Who I am

I remember calling my mom at some point and yelling "Mom, what did I like when I was little? What was my passion?" I was convinced that I had to figure out what my dreams used to be in order to find myself and finally understand what in the world I want to become when I grow up, even though I was already 30+. Hey, don't judge, we are all kids inside.

I also remember that feeling of emptiness when my last hope disappeared when she told me that I am her third child and it's really hard to remember details after you pass a certain number of children. Well, I didn't give up right away, though, because I also have an older sister, who was like my second mom, but she told me two things:


1) You wanted to become a taxi driver - that was your dream. So, maybe you could work as a school bus driver, that could be a thing... Isn't that sweet?

2) Stop it. Don't look for anything. Just let it be. You don't have to find anything in order to find yourself. Look no further than yourself.

It bothers me, it has been bothering me for years now. I have been trying to find it - something that I really enjoy and that I can't get tired of. Because, you know, I want to be happy. Yep,  just like you. Everyone wants to be happy. And I think I am happy most of the time, but this idea of me not understanding who I am bothers me... or does it anymore?

My sister is right, I can't look for myself in something other than my own self - logical, right?
So, who am I?

- I am a mother. I have three kids. I love them. They are truly my everything.

- I am a wife. My husband is the best husband in the world and I would never wish for any other.

- I am an Aquarius. Ha. I don't think I believe in horoscope, and I don't even read it. But I did when I was little, and I remember realising that my sign was saying exactly what I actually am about me - I am spontaneous, progressive, independent, unpredictable, intellectual, adaptable, and look at the world as a place full of possibilities.

- I am a baby whisperer. Babies are safe with me. I can spend hours with them and love every minute of it. Yes, I know they cry a lot, but normally not around me, though if they do - it doesn't bother me at all, I love them cranky also.

- I am a worker. I work in actuarial field. Google it, if you don't know what it is. It's not my passion, it's just something that I pay the bills with. I actually spend most of my waking time doing it and... it bothers me...

- I am a woman. I am a woman... I have to repeat it to myself, because this is where I don't feel realised yet. It's like I need to take that WORKER and switch it with WOMAN, and then I will be OK. Isn't it a sign that if I even put it on the paper - that means something is wrong in that department. Oh God, I am not talking about any kind of psychological problem here, I don't want to become a man or anything, ha ha. I just want to be more womanly, not only physically, but spiritually, emotionally, mentally...? I want to be more feminine, because I have acquired too many masculine qualities during my life, during my fight to be better, smarter, more qualified and respected.

So there... I have said it. Now, let's move it.

The first video that I watched and summarised is in the next post. It's about finding your life purpose, and it's translated from Russian, because they tend to have a very different, more pronounces feminine culture. Let's see what their psychologists say.